People still drink soda?
I haven’t been drinking sodas for such a long time, sometimes I ask myself, “Do people still drink that ish?”. And yes, some still love sodas, so I had to do some research and find out why.
And I found out, if you believe it or not, there are actual benefits to your addiction to soda. People always talk about all the bad stuff sodas cause, but nobody ever mentions all the good things that come from sugary carbonated water colored with artificial food colorings. Here are some of the benefits of drinking sodas.
Benefits for kids
- Less school, because you get to miss one day out of the week for your early-stage diabetes treatment!
- You make it possible for other kids to focus on studying because you are the bully magnet with your rotten teeth and double chin at age 12.
- I am no longer the worst in my PE class thanks to your out-of-shape condition.
If you’re tired of getting bullied, read my article on “how to be confident” and other articles throughout this magazine to help you become a stronger, happier and more confident kid.
Benefits for adults
1. You're a job creator
You’re creating way too many employment opportunities than I have time to mention. But rest assured you keep part of the economy alive. Everything from special ED teachers, dentists, eye doctors, heart specialists, liver scientists, nurses… the list is neverending, you are the top dog when it comes to creating jobs. We would have to close half of all hospitals if it wasn’t for your sugar addiction. So thank you!
2. You make me look good
You are making me, the average person, a preferred choice when it comes to finding a partner. Because of all of the soda that destroys your body and you look worse every day, it’s like you’re rotting away. The more you drink that stuff the wider the selection for a partner and love becomes for us non-soda consumers. People are grossed out by you. You stink because the sugar clogs up your pores, so you smell bad and your date is reluctant to touch you because your skin landscape changes from dry/brittle patches to acne with possible puss to wet stinky sweat. So keep it up!
3. I'm a good lover at last
Thanks to you, I am now a super lover. Your habit of drinking soda gets your d*ck about as hard as a deflated bicycle innertube. Your money and nice car with the soda cup holder won’t impress any woman in the bedroom when you can’t get it up, so thanks again.
4. You're a walking trash can
Let’s say a coworker gives me a gift and it’s a 6 pack of unhealthy surgery blue colored soda and 3 cookies with all kinds of sugar, food coloring, and preservatives, like pure trash. Now, I don’t want to insult my coworker because I still love and respect the fact that I was given a gift. So now I have this stuff that’s bad for me and I have 2 choices. One, throw it in the trash, or two, give it to you. And since it’s almost a sin to throw away “food”, I will give it to you because I know you’re the one who eats that kinda stuff and you will gobble it down just like a trash chute.
5. You keep annoying mosquitos away
In mosquito season, I need you close by me so you can collect all the mosquitos in my immediate vicinity. Your skin abscess, sweat, and unpleasant scent are a major attraction amongst insects, flies, and other mini monsters. You’re like an amusement park for pests. I might hire 2 of you soda drinkers to stroll along on my next date as a mosquito distraction, one on each side.
6. You protect the environment
Because of you, we have a more beautiful planet with more flowers! There are more flowers because people like you do not need them. There are no dates or candlelight dinners for you because nobody wants to go out with you. This means fewer flowers get cut out of nature, a great benefit to all of us.
All jokes aside, quit sugar and you will live a much better life. Check out my article on sugar.
Daniel Florian
